This is something I’ve been hearing pretty often lately. You might have heard that I went offline to fight an eye disease about two years ago. I wrote this post for those times I’ve been asked about this, because it can still be hard for me to talk about, and it’s not exactly the kind of story that gets a party going. So, if you’re curious, I’ll tell you more about what happened and what I’ve been up to since then.
It started in August 2015, when I was diagnosed with acanthamoeba, a rare parasitic disease that caused vision loss (in both eyes, lucky me) for months. Both the disease and the chemotherapy of antibiotics I took to save my vision really messed with my body and my mind. As treatment became more aggressive, I started getting round the clock headaches, constant migraines, and chronic pain and fatigue that made it hard to think, be around people, or even listen to music.
During the worst of it, I had to use the walls to feel my way to the fridge where we kept the antibiotics because my vision was terrible and it was so painful to open my eyes. The antibiotics felt like acid in my eyes, but I had to take them hourly during the day, with a separate one for overnight. This went on for 10 months, and at one point I was up to 6 different antibiotics at once.
My body broke down under the stress of the disease and treatment, and I started to lose digestive, endocrine, and neurological function. The acne that had been acting up before I got sick (a warning I ignored) blew up into a full on cystic outbreak. I was diagnosed with depression, developed crippling social anxiety, and struggled with insomnia for months. I’ll spare you the details of all the rest of the symptoms, but they were gnarly. One doctor told me that I should go on another 8 prescription meds just to deal with them.
I barely told anyone about what I was going through because I needed so much quiet empty space to rest and heal. I saved up energy for the rare visits and family events that I couldn’t stand to miss, but the fear leading up to them and recovery afterwards was brutal. Once I got there, things usually felt fine, but I didn’t know how to deal with the irrational terror that built up in the the weeks, days, and hours leading up to each event, and I dreaded the days of exhaustion that followed.
I was lucky to have my family and a small handful of friends looking out for me during this time. I knew I could trust them to hold space for me when I felt like a terrible version of myself, that I could lean on them to support me when I needed help. My team of ophthalmologists, functional medicine doctor, and healers had my back too, giving me extra appointments and more time even though they were booked solid, some with waiting lists. And my boyfriend, I don’t even know where to start with this. He was my rock through all of it. I could write pages about the things he did to take care of me, make life easier, and keep my spirits up.
We kept at it for months before seeing any progress. But I was determined to heal, and diligent with my meds, acupuncture, and meditation practice. I started experimenting with my diet, hoping it could speed up healing or at least relieve some of my symptoms. I went paleo, but really got relief from the worst of the digestive/skin stuff when I stepped it up to an autoimmune paleo protocol.
Eventually, the parasites started dying off. My vision was getting better, but the other symptoms remained even after the acanthamoeba was gone. Not wanting to see a doctor that would recommend more meds, I found a functional medicine doctor who believed in a less pharmaceutical approach. Working with her changed my life.
From her, I learned about the root causes of illness and how the stressful life I chose before this happened made me vulnerable to health breakdown and disease. She’s a board certified MD, yet she taught me to use supplements, diet, and lifestyle to resolve the sleep, skin, digestive, hormonal, mood, and neurological issues I was dealing with. Along the way, I realized that my mindset was also keeping me from healing. Once the migraines started easing up, my brain was often a swirling mess of anxiety, depression, guilt, fear, and shame. I felt horrible for being a burden to those I loved, terrified I would never get better, and punishingly regretful of the decisions I’d made leading up to all of it.
As part of my vision rehab, and to complement the work I was doing with my doctor, I enrolled in a nutritional therapy program. This also changed my life. It helped me to understand what was going on in my body, supercharged my healing process, and showed me that I could heal others. It gave me purpose. I made friends and met teachers who were like family, giving me endless encouragement and support from a place that knew this kind of chronic illness and pain.
Initially, I planned to enroll in a program to fix me up enough that I could jump back into my job, which I loved. But along the way, I began to see how my old lifestyle choices contributed to my getting sick in the first place. And as I started opening up to more people about what I’d been through, I realized how common my symptoms were. Helping my practice clients resolve their health issues (and my own!!) with nutrition was an amazing feeling. I started getting word of mouth clients before I had even finished my certification and learned to set stronger work boundaries. With the support of my boyfriend and family, I decided to start my own nutrition practice after I graduated a few months ago.
These days, I live a much more balanced life. I prioritize my health, relationships, serving others, and seeing joy and beauty around me. My boyfriend, family and I did a Tough Mudder this summer, and it felt so good to be strong again! I took a long break from social media, initially because my vision and headaches were so bad, then out of fear, and eventually with the wisdom that knew it gave me space to be present with the people I love, to think deeply about what I wanted for my future, and to be more creative and focused with my work. Lately, I’ve been peeking back in because I miss my friends that I can’t see in real life and the beautiful things in there … and even though it feels overwhelming now, I think I’m ready to get back to it.
I’m sorry if my disappearing made you feel ignored. I hope you can understand that I did it to take care of myself at a time that was really hard for me. I can’t begin to express my gratitude for those who have understood that, and for those who have been there along the way. If you want to get in touch with me, feel free 🙂 I’m not always the fastest about keeping up with my messages and email, but I’m getting better all the time and I would love to hear from you.
it's good to be here 